You just never know where you’ll find truth during your day. For me, today it was in a very sarcastic boss. He simply greeted me this morning with “how was your weekend?”, then “have you gone ‘a round’ with anyone yet?” Nice.
As a bit of background, a large part of my job—what I get paid to do—is to “push back” on people and make sure they are “upping their game” and turning in a very high quality work product. So, for the type of job that I have, my skillset and qualities are perfect, and my boss loves that. However, when he said that this morning, I heard it and applied it to my personal life...and a big light bulb went off!
Things I’ve known about myself for a LONG time: I’m a planner. I’m assertive. I’m organized. I’m efficient. I’m opinionated. I’m a leader. I challenge the status quo. I have high standards.
As you can imagine, there are some interesting “side effects” of having those qualities…
First, the good: Every generation needs people who will not simply sit and do what the generation before them did—I’m the type who doesn’t accept “because we’ve always done it that way” as an acceptable answer. I have the ability to organize data in a way that many people can’t. The way my brain works is useful in planning events or meetings—I can think ahead to everything that will need to be covered so that it’s covered in advance—I can anticipate questions that will be asked and go ahead and answer them in advance. Every group needs a leader, and that comes naturally to me. I produce high quality work products. My opinions often lead to great conversation. I rarely get stuck in a situation that leads nowhere—I make things happen!
Now, the bad: I get annoyed easily when others fall short of my expectations. I’m terrible at just “going with the flow” if I can see a more efficient way. I step on people’s toes. I can’t stand indecisiveness. I’m not a gracious loser. I hate being ignored. My opinions can hurt others. I get extremely frustrated with people who don’t speak up. I’m impatient. I have trouble functioning in a disorganized environment. I really don’t like to be wrong. It’s hard for me to give up the reigns to someone else if I feel I can do it more efficiently and effectively. I can often come across as bossy, controlling, arrogant, sassy, cold…or even like a drama queen, spoiled brat, or troublemaker.
You’re probably feeling very sorry for my husband, family, and close friends right now, aren’t you?!
The truth: My intentions are always pure and I’m never out to hurt anyone or step on anyone’s toes. However, I know that my actions can often come across in a bad way, and I’m owning up to that.
Something I’ve recently realized: It doesn’t matter what my intentions are, perception is reality. So, if people perceive me to be a troublemaker, I’m a troublemaker.
Until now I have always justified it to myself. “But that’s just my personality—that’s Lauren.” Well, that’s enough of that. Yes, that IS my personality—it’s how God made me. However, if some of my talents are causing these bad “side effects,” then I need to do something about it. God created me with these abilities and talents, and I should use them to glorify Him.
And since I’m now aware of it, it’s my responsibility to adjust. Honestly, the only way for me (or anyone, for that matter) to adjust my behavior is with the help of the Holy Spirit. I’ll be praying specifically for myself in this area, so feel free to join me if you’d like. And PLEASE speak up and tell me if I do anything to hurt or offend you in the future. (remember, I get frustrated with people who don't speak up--heehee!)
IMPORTANT NOTE: I’m not writing this in an attempt to get positive affirmation from all of you that I’m a good person, etc. I realize that I am not defined by these qualities I've listed. I know that I have many more God-given talents and qualities that are great. Actually, writing it is therapeutic for me and I hope it gives you a little bit of insight into what makes me me. Also, I want accountability and I need your support and prayer. Thanks for loving me in spite of these things!
A CHALLENGE: Hopefully this will spur you to do some self-examination like I’ve done. It kind of hurts, but it’s one of the greatest things you can do!
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